No Basta

How come it seems it’s never enough? I used to think, and still do occasionally, that I wasn’t enough. That I wasn’t fulfilling my true potential. That I wasn’t enough to anyone else and that in turn no one was or would ever be enough for me. And while these thoughts aren’t obsessive- anymore- they still do visit. I don’t know why I ever thought this since it is obvious to all who know me, that not only I am enough but also much more than necessary at times. Go ahead, ask. Your first stop should probably be GH, he knows all about it.

What reminded me of this was reading a blog by this girl in N.Y. I'm guessing from the content that she is young- her early 20's perhaps. I had to laugh a little bit when I read that she thinks she’s meant for greater things, something bigger. I realized that a large portion of the population thinks that at some point or another. We all think we’re special. And for the sake of our collective sanity I think it best to sometimes gorge on the thoughts that invade our minds and make us think that we are indeed better than, destined for more, geniuses in a state of suspension, at the brink of worldwide discovery. More.

Without these thoughts, how ever would we get through the avalanche of ads and messages that say we are supposed to be more, better, bigger, richer, grander? Without these self-serving thoughts how would we climb out of bed each morning? Especially on the mornings when we are gripped by the disillusionment that comes to all regardless of their Life stature- real or perceived.

The trick, I’ve found, is to volunteer; to take your mind off of yourself and your precious worth. Volunteer with old people, the ones that light up at the sight of strangers because they are so lonely and forgotten. Volunteer with groups that make parks pretty and clean, safe for the neighborhood’s kids. Volunteer with angry little kids that may kick you in the shins –hard- if you do not agree with their behavior and dare to voice it. Volunteer in hounding your county employees to put some resources in your own neighborhood’s historic but abandoned sites. Harass your HOA officers to do their job even if they too are volunteers. They signed up of their own will, did they not? Now work! I say.

Volunteer to help out at events that you are not running to gain free entry to functions where free wine and free food will flow for you. Volunteer is all. It’ll show you sides of things you never took account of before. It will make you feel better that you are not homeless and in dirty, torn clothes. It will help others as well, that’s always nice. It will certainly make you skip thinking of yourself just long enough to gain your sanity back. But most of all, it will place many points in your cosmic karma account so that if you ever should need any of the things you are depositing you will have some to withdraw. Like a savings account of goodwill and good acts of sorts; you may never need to withdraw from it but if you do there will be planty of. And it is never enough- keep depositing.

Additional Accomplishments

So to the list of evil doings I’ve accrued, I can now add BabyKiller. I’ve been confirmed- or so I’ve been told. This month was especially tough for collections; people had all kinds of excuses for not having paid: I donated a kidney. I’m out of town. My infant daughter was in the ICU. My wife’s got cancer. The property is sold.

Really? Well, like Napoleon would say: “Was all this happening on the first of the month when your payment was due?”

Today I got a call back from someone who is 3 months behind, this is a couple that has a history of late and bounced checks, not counting several maturities on the one loan that have come and gone. We’ve lowered their interest rate, we’ve extended their loan several times, we’ve cancelled foreclosure on their loan twice and the list of trying to help them goes on. Their usual M. O. is; they stay clean for about two months and then their cycle of lates and near foreclosures begin. This means endless calling and emailing them on my part- a part of the job I do NOT like at all, especially when I do not get a call back. Not only does this portion of the job make me sick mentally, it also makes me sick physically as it raises my already crazy blood pressure numbers to unmeasureable digits. My at-home-blood-pressure-monitor goes blank, it does not go as high as the blood racing thru my arm runs, it simply reads -------. I’m no doctor, but that can’t be good, then again, I’m still here typing nonsense so ---------.

This lady finally called me back today and said she does not like to get “yelled at,” although my voice was not raised, it sounded highly annoyed I am sure but there was no “yelling.” I told her that if she answered her calls as any responsible adult would I would not have to waste my time calling her. She continued on and said that she “just didn’t want to get into” all her problems. But she did anyway. She told me that she just lost a baby they’d been trying to have for three years now, she’s about to get laid off from the phone company she works for, she had a car accident last week……

Well, what do you say to that? That has nothing to do with me or the fact that she got into a deal that she is now unable to handle. This is where the line gets confusing to say the least. While I am truly sorry -if in fact she has been going thru all that- all her problems still have no connection to her responsibilities and assumed debt. I suggested that she sit down and map a plan as to whether this investment is really what she needs to be doing since it is obvious by the lack of payments received that she cannot afford it nor properly handle it.

And you notice that I mentioned a couple, where is this husband of hers? Dodging calls and letting me know, thru his highly intelligent voicemail message that he’ll call me back “at his earliest convenience.” The times I’ve spoken with him, he has said that she "was supposed to take of that, let me call her and I’ll call you back.” That the whole thing is her responsibility and I should really be calling her not him.

So, either she’s a really good story teller and can spin a hell of a tale or she has a shitty-ass-man for a husband who doesn't make the least of efforts to help given the latest developments of her Life as told by her. Either way she’s not doing too well in my book. But that still, apparently, does not absolve me of my new charge on this job: BabyKiller.