All these local bloggers I’ve found thus far have nothing on me. They think they have all the latest info on all the coolest hangouts but they don’t. Hahahaha. I’ve got them all beat-even this guy with the funny name from the local “alternative” paper. He thinks he’s so cool. Whatever. He thinks he’s all that just ‘cus he gets paid to go out and get hammered and then write a dumb review about it. I got him beat though. Hahahahaha.I found a gem among pearls. A place even better than the Clairmont on Ponce, or the Mexican Palace on Buford, or the Gold Rush on Stuart or the Tucanazo on Chamblee-Tucker. This place I speak of is just pure unadulterated, unmanaged, unbridled F-U-N. Where is it you ask? In the old driver license testing building on Custer and Moreland of course! There’s nothing that says more F-U-N to me than an obscure place in a parking lot where you can still learn how to drive by practicing in circles with bad lighting and an adjacent all you can buy Fresh Seafood Wagon store.
The place, Coco Loco De La Noche (not to be confused with the largely popular but ever declining food quality joint; Coco Loco on Sidney Marcus Boulevard) is a restaurant/BAR aimed at the Mexican population in the area. They usually have Tex-Mex, Cumbia and other assorted mexipopular nights along with their world famous Bikini Contest Nights on Wednesdays. I’d heard there're also girls who charge $5 or $10 for a friendly bout on the dance floor. Being out with a friend on Wednesday who stated he could “salsa dance me under the table” we were forced to go to Coco Loco De La Noche so I could prove to him just how wrong he was, I mean c’mon, he’s white!
So we park and all the while my friend keeps apologizing for the fact that I’m gonna be seen with a white guy walking into a Mexican place. Sadly, Mexican Bikini Contest Night was no more. Instead it was “Open Mic” night; hard core hip-hop-rap Open Mic Night. So we thought we’d catch some yet to be discovered talent. No such luck either. As it turns out, open mic this past Wednesday consisted of a lipsynching bunch of guys who insisted on permanently attaching their right hands to their danger zones while bouncing around the stage screaming into the mics with the ocassional dusting of shoulders and raising the roof while hard rap was played full blast by the DJ. Then there was a fourth dude on the “stage” sans mic providing what seemed like artistic movement support to the aspiring rap stars. It was like a cross between Putting On the Glitz and Soul Train or something. The best part though, was when the entertainment came out: three very scantily/see thruly clad girls came out to perform some very involved and intimate lap dances.
Oh did I forget to mention it was 95% men in the place? The entertainment proceeded to move down the line of eager patrons and perform their entertainment which consisted of some obvious hard rubbing while sitting on random danger zones, extreme leaning back and legs around necks and legs spreading infront of several patrons’ faces along with some loud self-ass-slapping and chewing gum- all at the same time. Since the entertainment spent the better part facing away from the patrons while vigorously bouncing and gyrating on their danger zones, they failed to realize that a good number of the patrons were using the same dollar bills that were being dropped due to the animated gyrating movements. How do these girls afford the gum they were chewing?
A pool table is also available in the back of the place along with instructions in both, English and Spanish, on how to secure some playing time. Coco Loco also features complimentary pot smoke, second hand of course- but still free. It also features clean bathrooms, random strange people and Bud Light. Yes! That rules, Bud Light. I did however, notice the clear lack of jagger bombs and/or irish car bombs and such. Who does the liquor ordering around here anyway? And which sorry bartending school did that guy go to?
Beside the extensive drink selection, the clientele was one of the highlights, from slow-yet-deranged looking girls to fresh out-of-jail-big-hair guys and everything in between. We settled for a Bud Light and Modelo. At one point we were trying to fit in by necking to the beat and a guy walked up and recognized our awesomeness and necked to the beat in our general direction while simultaneously sending us a neck move commonly known as the “what’s up move.” He was so impressed with our obvious command of the necking to the beat technique, he purchased a Bud Light –cash, walked right up to my friend, slammed it in front of him on the bar and walked away. I think that was code for really, Really liking us. A lot. Looking back though, where’s my Modelo? Wait a fucking minute..... I skipped Mary’s on Wednesday for this very reason……
At another junction a guy with his puffed out fro walked up to us and shared this tidbit*:
“I’m staying with my Moms, I just got here.”
Me: “Really? Why?”
“Just got out today. I was in jail. See? Look at my bracelet. This is my ID bracelet from jail. See the picture? That’s me.”
“Really? Why?”
“Y’know, got caught with bout $80.”
“Oh.”
And he walked away. He came back about four minutes later, highly perturbed.
“Yo man, I just asked you for some help man, least you can do’s help me out.”
My friend said: “What? Sorry man I can’t help you.”
At which point puffed guy walked off in a real hizzy.
You can’t help everybody, besides my friend was buying my drinks.
While we were inside we noticed that the incoming patrons were being aggressively frisked upon entry. We didn’t get frisked though, what with reverse discrimination running rampant these days. Maybe next time though, maybe next time.
After all the laughter shared and the good times and the action all around we decided to call it a night, not before promising to definitely come back. We did make sure fro guy was not noticing our departure, he looked pretty hizzy pissed when last he had talked to us.
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