All this reading of all these blogs, these new people I'm finding has been like a..... like a what?
A vacation for my overexerted minds it feels like. I try to disengage, joke about the "voices in my head" to diminish the seriousness with which they sometimes speak, and that works for about 1/2 a second. But I always knew I wanted to write, just write- I realize that what I write isn't comprehensible to all- but that's fine, it doesn't have to be, we don't all like chocolate cake either.
One of my co-workers is on a mission to make me read the Venus, Mars book about how we're supposed to behave and I'm thinking it will be a complete waste of time. He insists that it will all make sense once I read this, 'cause I'll see the light. This all comes from our little threesome group here at work that spends time together at lunch when we can, and thus divulge way too much information about our outside lives to each other- mainly our love-lives, or lack thereof. So we sit at lunch like giggling teens telling stories about who did what and said what and went where and met so'n'so and analyze and proceed to advise each other to "make it better."
We always have advise for each other- advise we may not necessarily follow ourselves, but advise nonetheless. As we frequent a handfull of our favorite spots and talk about the latest, we take turns revealing too much info to each other- but it seems to work for us, for now.....
A vacation for my overexerted minds it feels like. I try to disengage, joke about the "voices in my head" to diminish the seriousness with which they sometimes speak, and that works for about 1/2 a second. But I always knew I wanted to write, just write- I realize that what I write isn't comprehensible to all- but that's fine, it doesn't have to be, we don't all like chocolate cake either.
One of my co-workers is on a mission to make me read the Venus, Mars book about how we're supposed to behave and I'm thinking it will be a complete waste of time. He insists that it will all make sense once I read this, 'cause I'll see the light. This all comes from our little threesome group here at work that spends time together at lunch when we can, and thus divulge way too much information about our outside lives to each other- mainly our love-lives, or lack thereof. So we sit at lunch like giggling teens telling stories about who did what and said what and went where and met so'n'so and analyze and proceed to advise each other to "make it better."
We always have advise for each other- advise we may not necessarily follow ourselves, but advise nonetheless. As we frequent a handfull of our favorite spots and talk about the latest, we take turns revealing too much info to each other- but it seems to work for us, for now.....
The co-worker who wants me to read this book- we'll call him Gaston- is thouroughly convinced that my approach to men is the beggining of my demise, because we are "supposed" to behave a certain way and men another -and those are indisputable facts. And I can't seem to grasp that, I can't seem to swallow that if you will. I mentioned to him today (our third leg is on vacation this week) that I had a conversation with a long time friend who echoed his exact sentiments as to why my last encounter with someone I believed was something more did not work out. He said, "I like your friend," and smiled. He and I have learned that neither one of us will win this argument as it has becomes a tiresome circle for the both of us, so as I explain why it is that I can't seem to make myself wear these facades I'm expected to sport and he merely looks intently at me and nods his head lightly and says, "You want me to bring you that book?"
The longtime friend did have a point that I did not have a comeback for when I asked her why I should follow these rules. The rules I speak about are the ones that say that women are to take the passive role, that they are to wait patiently for the "man to make the moves" and all that. Why? Why can't I go after what I want when I want? She said that the rules are the time proven method, the tried and true proven method- that if my method isn't producing the results I'm seeking then my method is obviously wrong and perhaps I should consider changing it or continue getting the same results. The problem with her response is that at this point in my life I'm considering notions that I would not have considered before so it adds a twist to everything. So even if I do decide to play these games and follow these rules I know in the end I'll resent the person and even maybe hate myself- or maybe not; who knows?
Today I'm questioning all the "facts" I had assembled in my head. Today I looked at his picture and thought: "I could really love you." But then I realized that his silence must be his way of saying it is over. It just seems so cowardly to me though. Call me a masochist but I want to hear it from his lips. If he took the time to tell me all these unexpected things in the beggining that caused me to consider other paths my life could seek, shouldn't he also have the balls to say it when it is over?
The longtime friend did have a point that I did not have a comeback for when I asked her why I should follow these rules. The rules I speak about are the ones that say that women are to take the passive role, that they are to wait patiently for the "man to make the moves" and all that. Why? Why can't I go after what I want when I want? She said that the rules are the time proven method, the tried and true proven method- that if my method isn't producing the results I'm seeking then my method is obviously wrong and perhaps I should consider changing it or continue getting the same results. The problem with her response is that at this point in my life I'm considering notions that I would not have considered before so it adds a twist to everything. So even if I do decide to play these games and follow these rules I know in the end I'll resent the person and even maybe hate myself- or maybe not; who knows?
Today I'm questioning all the "facts" I had assembled in my head. Today I looked at his picture and thought: "I could really love you." But then I realized that his silence must be his way of saying it is over. It just seems so cowardly to me though. Call me a masochist but I want to hear it from his lips. If he took the time to tell me all these unexpected things in the beggining that caused me to consider other paths my life could seek, shouldn't he also have the balls to say it when it is over?
I figure that it should be simple enough for him to say to me that it is not what he thought it could've been, that he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore; it's as simple as his telling me all the things he said before. But I'm holding him to my standards when I say that and I realize that none of us is like the other and so move on....... Easier said than done. I'm not saying anything new here I know, we've all been there, here and other places and life goes on and the sun rises every morning whether I'm admiring it or not.
Gaston was on match.com and dated a lot, lunch dates mostly on the first time to make it short and sweet if he didn't feel it. And sometimes his lunch dates would produce night dates and so on. He was, at one point, dating an older woman who eventually told him to get lost 'cause he "freaked" her out. He says that she said his having brought (and left) a shaving kit to her house was him "moving too fast." He's a hairy guy though! He NEEDS to shave every-day! And he was spending nights there sometimes knocking boots and what not, so rather than carrying his shaving stuff around he just left the extra one there. In our expert opinions she "has other issues." It turns out she's started trying to get back in, apparently she realized it's hard to get some fine-still-able-to-perform-penis once you're older. But alas! He's already otherwise engaged, he met a friend thru a friend and has been dating her for a couple of months now, so older lady is out of luck and out of fuck.
So this new chick and Gaston did the one date, two date, three date, four date thing before it got physical- so he says. He used to tell us that they'd be on her couch getting hot and heavy and she'd say things like: "You're trouble." Or: "You better get out of here, before I do something I shouldn't." And of course being the gentleman that he is he'd oblige (and probably go home and rub it out- he did admit to this a couple of times).
Gaston was on match.com and dated a lot, lunch dates mostly on the first time to make it short and sweet if he didn't feel it. And sometimes his lunch dates would produce night dates and so on. He was, at one point, dating an older woman who eventually told him to get lost 'cause he "freaked" her out. He says that she said his having brought (and left) a shaving kit to her house was him "moving too fast." He's a hairy guy though! He NEEDS to shave every-day! And he was spending nights there sometimes knocking boots and what not, so rather than carrying his shaving stuff around he just left the extra one there. In our expert opinions she "has other issues." It turns out she's started trying to get back in, apparently she realized it's hard to get some fine-still-able-to-perform-penis once you're older. But alas! He's already otherwise engaged, he met a friend thru a friend and has been dating her for a couple of months now, so older lady is out of luck and out of fuck.
So this new chick and Gaston did the one date, two date, three date, four date thing before it got physical- so he says. He used to tell us that they'd be on her couch getting hot and heavy and she'd say things like: "You're trouble." Or: "You better get out of here, before I do something I shouldn't." And of course being the gentleman that he is he'd oblige (and probably go home and rub it out- he did admit to this a couple of times).
At at lunch, or in the elevator heading out to lunch, we'd tell him he's gay for not getting some. "She definitely thinks you're gay," I'd say. "Yeah, you should've gotten it while you could!" said Ms. Thing laughing. So then he invites her to the beach and she says yes and they both decide that they'll wait 'till they get to the beach to do it; with her saying more cute things like: "We won't even make it all the way to the beach, we'll have to pull over." Oh! New love... or lust..... how wonderful it is. Do I sound bitter? I'm not really......really. I've had my share of lovers, some say I'm good, you keep telling me this and telling me that......
So now the two lovebirds (aka lustbirds) have moved to weekday sexcapades. Gaston said, "You gotta get it while it's in season, I'll sleep when season's over." That's as good a plan as any. We have a lunchdate Ms. Thing, Gaston and I. I have to recap on my psychotic behaviour caused by the belief that the man I thought was more, really does want me and is simply playing hard to get because his fantasy is to have me take over and come after him full force and make him want me. He wants me to fly the 1,000 miles that separate us and surprise him at one of his shows. He wants to find me waiting by his front door so he can stop in his driveway and look intensely into my eyes and run towards me, slowmotion like with music in the background with lots of cowbell sounds, he likes playing the cowbell a lot.
So now the two lovebirds (aka lustbirds) have moved to weekday sexcapades. Gaston said, "You gotta get it while it's in season, I'll sleep when season's over." That's as good a plan as any. We have a lunchdate Ms. Thing, Gaston and I. I have to recap on my psychotic behaviour caused by the belief that the man I thought was more, really does want me and is simply playing hard to get because his fantasy is to have me take over and come after him full force and make him want me. He wants me to fly the 1,000 miles that separate us and surprise him at one of his shows. He wants to find me waiting by his front door so he can stop in his driveway and look intensely into my eyes and run towards me, slowmotion like with music in the background with lots of cowbell sounds, he likes playing the cowbell a lot.
Or not.
Then we have to hear Ms. Things stories about her "taking hood" in Orlando (that's what her husband calls doing it). They were on vacation w/ children so I suppose there wasn't much time for "hood-taking" but I also know Ms. Thing is very ingenious.
I'm gonna stop moping about, perhaps taking my beau's picture down will help expedite the process, maybe. Ah, musicians, writers, slackers, men....... but I don't like the guys I'm exposed to on a daily basis, you know the VP's-living-0ver-my-credit-limit type..... And it's Friday! Perhaps I'll take time to learn how to use this blogg better. Or not, I hear a couple of tallboys calling me.......
I'm gonna stop moping about, perhaps taking my beau's picture down will help expedite the process, maybe. Ah, musicians, writers, slackers, men....... but I don't like the guys I'm exposed to on a daily basis, you know the VP's-living-0ver-my-credit-limit type..... And it's Friday! Perhaps I'll take time to learn how to use this blogg better. Or not, I hear a couple of tallboys calling me.......
http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/pictures/bunny_suicides/
I was trying to only post the one w/ the disheveled looking woman with the torn picture. It's really not that dramatic for me, just not what I wanted's all.
Napoleon, my boss, was out of town today so there was no joke of the day. We'll see you soon.
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