Collections

Working with Napoleon is oftentimes amusing. He is, by nature, a rather hi-strung guy, but he goes into overdrive every end of the month.

Every end of month we are forced to kindly remind the deadbeats that have still not made their payment for the month to come in and pay so that their accounts will not go over 30 days late and cause our numbers to look like shit on the end of month reports. (Napoleon does not like shitty numbers at the end of the month, not only because of the money aspect, but because if he has shitty numbers he does not get to gloat or remind all the other departments that his department pays 1/2 their salary and floats the Bank).

These deadbeats are usually the same ones every month, the fools who think that the statement “Payment due on the 1st” doesn’t apply to them. Our collection department finds itself buried in trying to get their payments in during the last week of the month every month. When collections has exhausted their means and threats to collect the past dues, each loan officer has to get personally involved and then if that doesn’t work Napoleon gets to make his “trademark” phone calls. Those are funny- the first 108 times you’re forced to hear them, as part of “training” you know. He prefers to have an audience when placing these calls, although he takes great pride in calling these idiots at home from home over the weekends. His favorite line is “Your ______ wasn’t ____ on the first of the month when you knew your payment was due.”

These conversations usually happen on the very last day of the month. For example:

Random Deadbeat: “C’mon Napoleon, let me work thru this. Someone just ran into my truck today.”

Napoleon: “Your truck was working fine on the first of the month when you knew your payment was due.”

Random Deadbeat: “Someone just ran into my truck on the highway……. And killed himself!”

Napoleon: Hangs up the phone. “Guess he won’t be paying, asshole. Who’s next?”

Or another instance:

Random Deadbeat #2: “I’m out of the country, my mother died. I’m at her funeral.”

Napoleon: “Well, you mother wasn’t dead last week when you knew your payment was due.”

And on, and on, and on these exchanges go.

Although the collections is the most exhausting/repetitive part of it all, I think it is his favorite because it allows him to “put out fires,” or to “be on point,” or to continually show us all “how it’s done.” Not that any of us here will ever need that knowledge ‘cause he’ll never ever retire. He’ll probably get rolled in here on a hospice bed with his oxygen tank attachments, jars of geriatric feed, tubs of VapoRub and whatever else old people need to stay alive. Long Live Napoleon!