A Narcissist

"Narcissism, in human psychology is the pattern of thinking and behaving which involves infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of others. It may be seen manifest in the chronic pursuit of personal gratification and public attention, in social dominance and personal ambition, braggadocio, insensitivity to others (lack of empathy) and/or excessive dependence on others to meet his/her responsibilities in daily living and thinking. For the narcissist, self-worth is the belief that he/she is superior to his/her fellow humans."



So according to Gay Husband, didn’t I tell you already that we spend entirely TOO much time together, I am a bonafide Narcissist. His theory is comprised of several facts that he, in his twisted mind, has decided to, well- twist. His diagnose of my accute narcissism is based on the most innocuous things about me.

Example 1) my car. He swears that the only reason I bought the car is in fact because I am a Narcissist, nevermind the fact that I have wanted that particular type of car ever since I can remember. I am not really a car person. I have owned my share of jalopies because it was all I could afford at the time and because I figured they’d take me where I needed to go. One of these jalopies was an ’81 or ’70 something Honda hatchback that had the bad habit of exuding massive amounts of white smoke upon start-up. My favorite thing to do with that one was to pull up to a ritzy restaurant and get it parked up front with all the other priceless vehicles (ok, I only did that one time, but it was the funniest thing to watch as the patrons and the valet guy seemed to think that neither I nor my jalopy belonged anywhere near their establishment). But anyway, the car I speak of is a side project of mine and I only get to drive it once in a while as it needs work still, but it is an awesome car. It’s a convertible 1968 Skylark that’s in pretty good shape bodywise and needs some love in restoring it to its original grandeur. Still, it is such a good looking car that people can’t help themselves- they have to look. So he swears that the only reason I bought it is because I want people to look at me, because I am in fact a Narcissist. Pretty silly diagnosis if you ask me.

Example 2) this blog. Gay Husband swears that the only reason I started blogging is because I am a Narcissist- that and a drama queen as he puts it. The only queen around here is him though. That’s what I should’ve said, instead all I said was:

“I’m such NOT a narcissist.”

He claims this blog is yet another pathetic attempt of mine to get people to look at me. See how wrong he is? He’s a mortician not a psychologist anyway. I don’t think he has taken the time to really understand the word either. Furthermore, the implications of the word itself are in no way a direct or accurate depiction of why I do what I do or how I do it or when. I think sometimes in our attempt to understand people we get caught up in the words and carelessly choose words that don’t necessarily apply- but such is Life, for what would it be without all the opinions we’re so ready to offer whether asked to or not.

To be a true Narcissist, in my opinion, you have to be absolutely obsessed with yourself- that alone is a task I cannot commit to as my malady resides in my inability to not obsess about other people. I am constantly obsessing, that’s true, but rarely do I obsess about myself. Sure I am a bit self-absorbed at times, but aren’t we all? Sure I look at the mirror, a lot, but don’t we all? And I do have to keep presentable for the throngs of people that will inevitably be looking at me as soon as I step out of my front door. Sure I seek instant gratification at times- but that I know we all do. Besides I am not “chronic”about it, I only seek instant gratification ocassionally. That's not to imply that my behaviour is simply okay because "everyone does it" I was merely pointing the finger in another direction to show that I am not in fact a Narcissist.

Sure I think I’m better than some people some time. But c’mon, look around! I used to get into interminable discussions about this particular subject with a roomate of mine. She firmly believed that no one person is better than another- but I strongly disagreed. Who was she kidding I used to ask her, really? I used to compare people’s growth and thus their status of better-than in Life using a ladder metaphor, saying some people are closer to the bottom and others at the top when it comes to worthwhile individuals thus better-than people. She did not support that theory at all and refused to even consider it. So one day I said that maybe she should look at it as different levels, as in when you throw a rock into still waters. The rock causes a disturbance that manifests itself in concentric ripples and, I argued, some people are on the inside circles and some are on the outer circles and are therefore better-than others. To this she agreed, I have no idea why as it is the same metaphor only one’s linear and the other circular. Maybe she just likes circles. It doesn’t make any sense even now but you get the drift. Some people are better than others- that’s all there’s to it. And while I understand the power and importance of positive outlook on Life I am also extremely aware of the fact that mere wishing and positive thinking aren’t going to deposit 1M into my personal bank account.

Sure I go thru my share of infatuations, but it isn’t self-infatuation, rather I find people fascinating and tend to become quite infatuated with individuals Life has sent my way. Infatuation isn’t always a bad thing- there’s a certain magic to it and it is usually shortlived so it’s pretty harmless. Infatuation is a daily occurrence- with cars, with jobs, with food, with appearances, with cats, with shoes- you name it it’s out there. My infatuations tend to involve humans; a clear violation of the Narcissist’s code. I am so NOT a Narcissist.

Sure I like public attention but; ok, that one I can’t refute. Public attention and adoration are welcome in my book, take it while you can- we are all destined to become decrepit shadows of our former glorious selves so enjoy the ride while you can I say.